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Finding Balance: My Journey of Self-Improvement and Battling Inner Doubt
For the past few weeks or almost a month I have been able to go to the gym almost everyday, I go to the Mission Leisure Centre since I have a play pass there which is an affordable pass for people who have a lower income. It’s helped me a lot to deal with something I have dealt with the past 6 months called Somatic OCD, and an anxiety weird feeling called Air Hunger. As for the Somatic OCD being particular to something called Breathing OCD, which I developed after a bad cold when it was hard to breathe.
As described by Google this type of mental health OCD/ Anxiety is …“a form of OCD that causes intrusive thoughts are focused on autonomic, or non-conscious body processes and functions, like breathing, blinking, or physical sensations.”
This has really destroyed my self-esteem and made me feel silly or ridiculous for struggling with something so simple. But it has made me cry a lot on some nights as well as made me lose confidence in myself with dealing with something that is so ordinary to most people and which was to me as well until I started experiencing it which can be quite horrible, and hard to stop!
But the only plus side to this has been that when those intrusive thoughts about my bodily sensations and hyper awareness happens, going to the gym helps me to not notice it as much and forces me to breathe naturally without overthinking it (though that sounds super silly, but with this type of OCD it becomes obsessive and irrational no matter what you do to convince yourself otherwise). Before it’s been very hard to motivate myself to be consistent or wake up at a somewhat decent time to set a routine of exercising. However the only gift in this curse has been that I’ve been very consistent in working out, it’s helped me gain more energy and feel more accomplished and proud of myself. It’s one of the few times when I feel occupied and busy enough to focus on my health and wellbeing more than my current heavy struggles.
I have also been going to the MCC Thrift store in Mission to help out with organizing donations and clothes to either sell or recycle, it’s very rewarding with a lot of kind people, warm smiles and laughs to enjoy company with, as well as yummy sweets and baked goods that are always there! Along with attending outings from Centennial Place (a mental health activity clubhouse resource), and Epi team/ Foundry outings and hangouts (Early psychosis team for youth and young adults). I’ve been very grateful for these things because it helps me keep a busy day and feel like I’m doing something good in my life.
On paper, it sounds like I’m doing all the right things. I’m taking care of my physical health, building discipline, and contributing to a good cause while having fun doing activities with friends and a support group. But despite these positive changes, there’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind that I can’t seem to silence.
“You’re falling behind,” it whispers. “Everyone else is moving forward, and you’re just treading water.”
This feeling of being left in the dust by my peers is a constant companion and competition. Especially by the immense pressure of having everything figured out or accomplished in your 20’s to set up the remainder of your life. Even as I try to focus on my personal growth. I see friends advancing in their careers, buying homes, starting families – all the traditional markers of “adulting” – while I’m still trying to figure out my path.
It’s a strange dichotomy. On one hand, I’m proud of the habits I’ve built and the small or big ways I’m making a difference. On the other, I can’t shake the fear that I’m somehow missing out on life’s bigger picture, not travelling enough not saving up enough, I could be living abroad or working abroad, could be married or have kids right now, not that I’m sure at times if I’m ready for those things but it seems like the adult thing to do as per society.
Lately it makes me feel very guilty being unemployed for the past few years, as I will be turning 25 in September I can’t help but think what I have done the past few years of my life, how fast it has come and that fear that I still won’t have it all “figured out” by 30 and be in the same place feeling lost and not feeling like I am good enough. I find I am tying so much of my self-worth to things that one should strive for in society and the “ human rat race”.
I’m learning, slowly but surely, that progress isn’t always linear. My journey doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. The discipline I’m building at the gym and the compassion I’m cultivating through volunteering are valuable in their own right. They’re shaping me into a stronger, more empathetic person – even if that growth isn’t always visible on the surface.
As I continue on this path, I’m trying to be kinder to myself. To celebrate the small victories. To remember that everyone’s timeline is different. And most importantly, to recognize that the very act of striving to improve oneself and give back to others is a worthy accomplishment in itself.
The road ahead may be uncertain, but I’m lacing up my shoes and showing up every day. And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough for now.
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